JOURNEY TO HOME
I wrote this letter nearly 3 years before my husband and I finally purchased our first home in February 2023. My husband and I have been married since 2009 and always dreamed of the day of finding a home. Through the waiting I felt a healing process that only waiting could bring. Here is a little insight into that journey. I read this the day we went into contract on our house for the first time since I wrote it and it was so humbling and encouraging to look back on. If YOU too dream of of a house of your own, I hope this encourages you.
I’ve been on this journey of “home”. My husband and I have been married for over 11 years and every year since I have dreamed and hoped for a home to buy. When we were younger it was “how in the world will we ever make enough money to buy a home?” It felt so far away when we lived off of a youth pastor salary that was bare bones. As soon as we felt ahead financially some type of surprise would roll through and set us right back again. Saving has forever been a battle for us which I know so many people can relate. For me though, every dollar we have made or brought in or has passed through has had this heavy weight attached to it. “Will this dollar go towards buying us a home?”
This last year I have done some deep digging in my soul and come to realize a lot about my inner desires and fears. I’m so thankful I sit here with out a home because it reminds me of college. You know how some 18 year olds are just wise enough to say… “I’m going to wait to declare a major until I really know what I am going to do!” I feel like if I would have been given a home I would have not understood what a home really is. I would have designed it in a way I would hate now. We would have bought something that didn’t serve us well later in life. I would have made decisions based off of things that weren’t the right motives.
Here are some of my biggest truths I have discovered:
My fear of “no one cares for me” has played a huge part in my desire for a home. I was searching for safety and comfort and I was hoping to find that safe place in a home. The truth is a home should be all of those things and CAN be all of those things BUT I don’t need a home to possess that. I’m safe and cared for no matter where I am and my children and family are safe and cared for too. We don’t need a home to possess those things and I can make a decision on a home not needing that to be filled.
The longer I walk the earth the more I learn about how much a room effects your mood. When I was younger I would have picked designs and patterns simply off of aesthetic and what was trendy. I have always wrestled with nailing down a style for my home because I love so many styles I like. Now I know the proper question to ask. It’s not “what do I want my house to LOOK like?” Instead it’s “what do I want my house to feel like?” The truth is THIS question allows our house to serve me and my family and be something we NEED it to be not just something we like in that moment.
I am excited for the day that my husband and I can buy a home for our family. What I now know is that I can create a safe place that meets the needs of our family no matter where we are. We don’t need to own a home or have a home that is designed a certain way for those things to be fulfilled. The pressure in a sense has been released on buying a home and I trust the journey and process ahead. It’s a desire of mine to have a home but I’m not letting the lack of it in the now tell me things that aren’t true.
I’m cared for always. I’m safe. I can rest and be cared for always.
